


The Ascendant Job

by lady_ragnell



Series: Prompt Reposts [28]
Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015), Leverage
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:11:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3525335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_ragnell/pseuds/lady_ragnell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay, team, let's go steal the Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ascendant Job

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr [here](http://theladyragnell.tumblr.com/post/112999766413/leverage-jupiter-ascending-fusion-crossover-for).

“Hardison, run it.”

Hardison takes a deep breath and starts the weirdest job briefing he's ever done. “The House of Abrasax, they're …” He's not going to be able to be cool about this at all. His mind is way too blown for this. “They are space tycoons hoping to harvest the population of the earth to make some kind of immortality serum. Generally pretty shady characters, and Earth is a contested property right now because their oldest brother recently died and their reincarnated mother is our client and wants the earth to be held in trust for—no, man, I'm sorry, I can't do it.”

“Just do it, Hardison,” says Eliot, who is way too chill about this. And was way too familiar with the bee dude who came along with their client and her space werewolf boyfriend. If Eliot knew about the whole people-in-space thing and didn't tell Hardison, Hardison is going to have to be mad at him.

“They are really old, like several millennia old, and really smart, and we know pretty much nothing about how their society works except what Ms. Jones and Mr. Wise have told us, though Stinger Apini has promised a little more of a rundown. Our chief problems here are Kalique and Titus Abrasax, who want to, as I said, harvest us and turn us into chemicals, which they seem to have zero problem with. They've got private armies, but they don't get along very well. I've got some financials and comparisons courtesy of Mr. Apini, and it seems like Kalique likes her gardens and all that but she's pretty sharp business-wise, and her brother Titus is a business failure but according to Ms. Jones a pretty smart guy.”

“Titus is our in,” says Nate, standing up and taking over, thank God. Hardison can feel his voice getting higher with every sentence. “He wants to be successful, but he wants to take the easy way there, so we'll give him one. It's the same old con, we just have to figure out how to work the people. And figure out how to fit in up there.”

“I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream,” says Hardison.

“I'm going to have to call in some favors with a few couturiers,” says Sophie, frowning at the pictures of Kalique up on the screen. “Are they going to take us seriously if we look our age, Nate? We may have to get some of this—”

“No,” says Nate. “We can work this just the way we are. We're down on our luck. It will make Titus underestimate us, and you know that's always handy.”

“So what are you thinking?” Sophie asks, raising her eyebrows. “They've got all the advantage, all we've got is that they certainly don't know anything about us if they just consider us to be farm animals. The Potted Plant?”

“The Lima Sting,” says Eliot.

“No,” says Nate. “I think, aptly enough, we're going to have to do the Prime Directive for this one.” He stands up and rubs his hands together. “Okay, team, let's go steal the Earth.”

“Does anyone else feel like this is an elaborate prank?” Hardison says to the rest of them once Nate has walked out.

Parker frowns at him. “What are you talking about? This makes perfect sense.”

Sophie is way too happy about all of this, he can already tell. “I don't think anyone has pulled off the Prime Directive since the advent of Google Earth, we would go down in history if we could actually tell anyone we did it.”

“Wise says he'll teach me some techniques to deal with the hitters up there—they're splices like he is, and it makes them tough to deal with.” Eliot is way too happy too. Hardison is the only person with any sense. He's known this for years, but having it confirmed is not going to help him sleep at night.

“Great,” he says, to himself since he isn't getting any sympathy. “I'll just get us a spaceship and falsify our gene prints and help y'all take down an industry that's been going for a few million years, no big deal.”

Nate pokes his head around the door. “One of us is going to have to have a title, by the way, Hardison, see whose you can steal.”

“This is not how I wanted to find out about aliens,” says Hardison, and starts figuring out how to hack an intergalactic database that speaks zero of the programming languages he knows.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Leverage/Jupiter Ascending Not!Fic [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3583074) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)
  * [[podfic] The Ascendent Job](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3583542) by [forzandopod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/forzandopod/pseuds/forzandopod)




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